Depressed and cold? And tired?

I can't sleep and I look at the clock and it's 4:00 AM. I've tossed and turned 'till I have only two hours left to sleep-- and the big test is TODAY. I'm tired. Tired of everything. Even tired of sleeping. Hope is dim these days, and the old dark I'd thought far gone, smothers suddenly like a bog. Nothing feels... worth it. I don't feel worth it. 

This week, our big kitchen light exploded. Just exploded. The week before our oven stopped heating. Last month the water heater gave up. Basement flooded. No money to fix anything. 

And I can't help but ask it, "God, don't you care? Why can't life just... work for me?" Why does everyone else have hope, and get excited about the future, and have the ability to live close to their friends, and have romantic relationships and why does that just never make its way to me? Something good? Just something? 

The power goes out on campus. I have no lunch, planned to scrounge for something cheap at the cafeteria, but now I can't even do that. I'm starved. 

A beautiful new friend sits beside me, the slumped and exhausted me, by the lockers in the hallway, in one of the dim emergency lights. We're not supposed to leave. Just wait out the dark. I'm tired of sitting in it. Can't hide from it. 

She yanks from her bag mandarin oranges, cheese crackers, and a squashed cupcake. She shares. We talk, and shockingly giggle, and it's the nicest lunch I can remember having in a long time.  

A test I'd stressed out over, and my instructor smiles and says to the whole class, "A hundred percent. Every single one of you." 

And a girl is hurting and homeless, and because I am just listening to her another hears-- and he actually works for the disadvantaged, and he can help her, and it's a beautiful divine appointment. 

And as I walk paths encompassed in fresh grass and damp with melting snow, it is a strike to the core of me. "Do I CARE? Little girl, I DIED for you-- do I CARE? That is the least that I do!" 

Sometimes aren't the most beautiful moments laughing on the floor of a cold hallway over a squished feast, praising with sudden song in the middle of a chilly street-- in spite of the darkness all around you? And isn't that what we are supposed to be and supposed to savor-- light? Isn't darkness needed to know it? 

Before the sleepless night, I'd happened across this: 

The very next day, today, He brings me to this.

Love. What love! Love-even-in-a-Dr. Seuss-book kind of love!

Don't cry that old goods are gone. Smile that they were... 

You will miss the best of things if you keep your eyes shut... 

Sometimes the questions are complicated, and the answers are simple...

"Do you care?" 

Care is only a merest fragment of the response. 

Quotes, funnies, and more to get you through finals...

Tummy constricting. Feeling like I'm being swallowed up. Finals, and I am barely hanging on in the evil throes of what can only be named: college algebra. No help that my teacher has only ever skimmed the surface of each topic. But I shall conquer and so shall you! 

*I collected and printed up some battle speeches to keep my pressing onward. I thought I'd share them in case you happen to be in the throes!

Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts. 
-Winston Churchill 

Good luck on the final exams you're complaining about on Facebook instead of studying for. 
-Author Unknown. :) 

"Good luck" happens when preparedness meets opportunity. -Bret Harte "Begin NOW by thinking about how you will rejoin civilized society, but at a much higher level than you were when you started up this road..." -Nan, CPA forum member  “The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.” -Chinese Proverb “There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work learning from failure.” -General Colin Powell “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” -Albert Einstein “Recipe for success: Study while others are sleeping; work while others are loafing; prepare while others are playing; and dream while others are wishing.” -William A. Ward “The best way to finish an unpleasant task is to get started.” -Anonymous “Tough times never last, but tough people do.” -Robert H. Schuller

Thanks to Pass the CPA Exam blog for most of these. :) Oh, and here's a cute child to inspire you yet more: 

I would follow her into battle. 

*My brothers were watching pirates recently, and I laughed thinking how I needed someone like this to scream inspiration at me over bitter studying and grueling exams. Take a few minutes for your daily dosage of chills... and maybe think about the bigger battle we're fighting here? 

"They will know what WE CAN DO!"

*Finally, from the best source: ...They shall never perish; no one will snatch them out of my hand.

John 10:28

Nothing can snatch you from the center and source of Love, Joy, and Peace. Nothing. And particularly not numbers on paper. 

Whatever you're battling today, I've sent up a prayer for you. I could sure use some prayers too. Now fight as freedmen! 

{Photos via Pitnerest}

Giving it Up. Again.

I can never figure out this writing thing. It is my passion, it is my poison. I make a plan, I can't carry that plan out. 

And it's then that I need to return to all of my old jots and thoughts upon that magical word: surrender. 

God has given us gifts for a reason. But sometimes it's only when we give them to him that they become what they are meant to be. Lewis said it this way via his devil character Screwtape in the Screwtape Letters, my copy of which is worn to bits: 

"Of course I know that the Enemy also wants to detach men from themselves, but in a different way. Remember always, that He really likes the little vermin, and sets an absurd value on the distinctness of every one of them. When He talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamor of self will: once they have done that, He really gives them back their personality... when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever. Hence, while He is delighted to see them sacrificing even their innocent will to His, He hates to see them drifting away from their nature for any other reason. And we should always encourage them to do so." 

Writing is a gift. But it is a gift that I cannot use for my broken whims and my selfish pointlessness. 

It sounds so simple, but it's so difficult: Seek first His kingdom, and the rest will be added. I need to go there again, and make my home.

It's terribly beautiful there. We just constantly need by reminded. 

{Photo via Pinterest}

April 2013 Living Vivid

Happy April! Lessons in impact and a frilly tutorial...

Happy April friends!

Living Vivid is on it's way...

But I'm over here today sharing a small 'Lesson in Impact.'

And I also found this lovely springy tutorial just for fun, maybe for parties? Over here. Enjoy!